my cans

my cans
they are mine!

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

my infinite awesomeness

Today I realised something. I am awesome. I woke up later than I thought it was and only had an hour to get ready for an appointment, the location was unknown, the phone number was unknown. After a little bit of googling I had found the place and was off to see my doctor.

I dodged several stupid drivers, including one guy who must have had the worlds most gutless car, and made it with plenty of time to spare.

The appointment went well, and before I knew it I was on the long road home. I knew the way, but to save effort and time, I tried a shortcut. It failed and I got kinda lost. However using my infinitely superior navigation skills I found where I needed to go. Go team me!

There is an intersection in Melbourne that I swear is designed to cause crashes, I had a green so I started forward as did the other two drives at my side, then all of a sudden cars were crossing our paths, with all drivers involved throwing very angry gestures and words at each other. The only way that could happen was if both directions had green arrows at the same time. Talk about scary. However I deftly avoided the confrontation and made it home safe

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

even more homeless now

Sadly my few avid readers, I lost the best living arrangement known to man. I will spare you the details, but through no fault of my own an argument was started, things were packed, and the police were called.

thankfully I bolted and evaded the police without the need for a high speed chase, and or an appearance on a reality tv show.

So for now I am crashing on a couch, meaning no super late night raves. :(

And more importantly nowhere to hoard my cans!!!!

Monday, March 29, 2010

another day in paradise

So today I finally got around to looking for actual places to stay.

I found a room in a place that had recently been on fire. Most would think of that as a bad thing, but it is the law of probability in essence. Why would fire strike the same place twice? Fire works like lightning right?

But in all seriousness, you can't go from hobo to extravagance in one jump it would be too much of a shock. Could you imagine not wanting to shower because it was too nice to ruin? I can, and frankly I would rather not smell like a hobo.

As I was driving there some guy was being a hooning idiot in a little rice burner car. Now my car is 15 years old, misfiring, and has seen an accident or two, but he saw my red plates of doom, and was challenging me to a drag. Knowing how shit those cars are at acceleration, I decided to race him to the speed limit. The light turned green, I looked at him, and the moment he started moving, I eased onto the throttle, and once I was rolling punched it. As we were entering a freeway, he didn't keep up. So for all of you that think because your car has a spoiler and a turbo makes it fast, realise that no matter how much you tweak it, physics says that unless you are boosting at 1 bar (13 psi for the noobs who don't understand atmospheres) your 1.8 litre engine cannot meet my 3.8 litres of sheer volume. it just cannot happen. Well unless your engine spins twice as fast, but honestly whose car revs up to 10k? In a drag race power is important, but torque is what wins races. So end story, unless it is a racing engine, a bigger volume will kill your car in any drag.

Just because I am the jobless hobo doesn't mean I are stoopid.

Seen any cans?

Sunday, March 28, 2010


Okay so last night I had a mate ring my phone (yes even hobo's need to communicate) asking if I wanted to see the formula 1 race in Melbourne today ( not all of a hobo's friends are hobos). So I got him to shout me.

After waiting in line for an hour just to get tickets we walked to maccas so he could have breakfast. I guilted him into getting me a double bacon mc muffin. Was so delicious. Then we went back to the races, and oh my god.

There was noise, and speed, and free stuff.

I got facial care from loreal for men for free, and product. So now I will be the best smelling hobo out there. I entered competitions, got a hat, and so many photos. oh so many photos. I walked around the track twice, and by that time the big race hadn't even started yet.

I didnt know how much ear punishment I could take, but I quickly found out that it is a lot. A f1 car is probably the loudest thing I have ever heard. There was carnage, and it was awesome.

It was good to get away from my hobo life, though as I left I saw oh so many cans lying on the ground and wished I had my can trolley. I didn't so I was sad for so much lost potential.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

smoke rings

Something magical happened today.

I was sitting in the factory thinking to myself. Bloody hell I am bored. Then I remembered. It is a factory. I can smoke inside. So instead of freezing my rear off in the wind and rain I was happily smoking away, then all of a sudden I saw something circular out of the corner of my eye. My cigarette had made a perfect circle of smoke. After some fiddling around I found the source of my wonder. If I moved the cigarette just right I would make a smoke ring. So happy way I in my new found skill that before I knew it, I had wasted a smoke. So I lit up another with every intention of sating my dirty addiction, but alas, 'twas not to be. **

** Note two cigarettes were wasted in the making of this post.

Friday, March 26, 2010

the saga continues

A long time ago in a factory far far away the car finally is ready to be put on the road.

Acquiring the studs was the easy part. The not so easy part was affixing them to my car. After 90 minutes of grunt work the wheel is now held on by 4 out of 5 bolts. as is every other wheel. Hooray for cannibalising my car to keep it on the road. should only be 20 dollars to get the rest of it. Do you know how many cans that is worth? its like 2000. With people being all eco wise these days, there are very few cans to be found.

However there is less than two weeks before I should have some money again. Not long before I get to eat again huzzah.

If you see any cans lying around let me know, because even though you found them I have claimed them as of now.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

operation move car at night

For those playing along at home, so all 1 of you, you may recall that me and cars have had an interesting month. First my baby decided that going where I wanted it to go was far too conformist so she decided that plowing into a guard rail was what all the cool cars were doing. Having had an exciting day fixing my car that ended a little into the following day, I assumed all was sweet. A few weeks later a wheel nearly falls off. yes. A. WHOLE. WHEEL. So my baby got relegated into being parked in the garage while I worked up the ability, time and funds to fix her.

Well today I got the new wheel studs. The only thing left to do was to get her from way up in the hills to the workshop where I could fix these things into her (yes at home in my factory, my god this is kickarse). However this required extreme talent/caution because have you ever tried to drive a car that is held together by goodwill and pats alone? It is bloody scary. So with John behind me we drove, at a whopping 40 km/h, or about 15 mph for those of you who are backwater and follow the imperial system.

Co driver wanted Maccas halfway home so we stopped there. Was boring, but 5 minutes later we were off again. 5 minutes after that we arrived, car is safe huzzah!

Tomorrow we fix her, more information then.

Stay away from my cans

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

foray into centrelink unsupervised

Today I went to centrelink on my own. serious business. I arrived at ten, waited in line for an hour, got an appointment for an hour's time, and had to wait a further hour after then to actually plead my case. So three hours in, I would at least hope to walk away having achieved something. Well as it turns out, the Australian government does not want people off the dole. Due to the fact I had over $1000 earnings last fortnight, I am entitled to exactly $0. Even though I explained to them that I am flat out broke because the reported earnings come in on the 6th of April. So hooray for not being able to afford luxuries like food. Hungry is an awesome feeling.

Further to the run around, it turns out my previous job, aside from being dicks, are also totally incompetent when it comes to paperwork. They listed my earnings from gruntwork as a payout. So when I was a good boy and listed my earnings on the form, centrelink have tried to double dip saying that I get that money twice.

Moral of the story, if you get on centrelink, don't try to get off it, it will leave you livid and wanting to leaping face stab people everywhere.

On a lighter note there was a lovely girl there with a spongebob related tattoo on each foot. I felt sorry for her and gave her a smoke. I am better than welfare. take that society


You know the funny thing about all government agencies? They can handle massive budgets yet have zero understanding of real world economics. For instance I have $1400 coming in next month. According to welfare I can use that money to pay for rent, food and fuel now. However I have yet to find one place that will accept a pinky promise as a form of delayed payment. Try as I might, there is no way to get emergency accommodation when you have earnings unpaid.

So I solace myself in the knowledge that my factory living arrangement is kickarse.

And work will follow.... eventually

Tuesday, March 23, 2010


hello random internet people.

Firstly I wanted to let you know why I chose this title and address. The answer is that it is true. Monday I lost my job (the bastards are saying I quit, and I don't care how you word it, saying that the company will have to "part comany" with me if I do not make it in on a given day, when I have a doctor telling me to take a few days off, means that you fired me). Two days earlier I got kicked out of my house. So I am a jobless hobo. Not in the sense that I carry all my worldly possessions in plastic bags in a shopping trolley, but in the sense that I sleep on a foam mattress on the floor of a factory.

There are some plus sides to my living arrangements.
1. Noboody around to complain if I have my infernal racket up to loud on a work night.
2. There is electricity
3. I have a kick arse alarm clock. The guy next door starts working at 7 am sharp every morning. That means he opens his very loud roller door at ten to 7, then starts banging away until 5pm. so I save money by not needing to have an alarm clock.
4. Actually I think I have listed them all really.

Oh and while I remember to fully round off the bad luck that I am having, a few weeks ago I was involved in a one vehicle car accident. Yes I hit a guard rail, and no said guard rail never did anything to me except save my life, for which I sincerely thanked it, which brings a side point up. How does one thank a guard rail? Usually cake is in order, but being made of steel and lacking even a rudimentary digestive system, I feel that cake would be wasted on this helpful railing. Any ideas?

Anyway back to the point at hand. Little did I know after said accident that it had shocked the wheel nuts on the OTHER side of my car loose, so as I was driving around my wheel was a wobblin, until saturday came, and my car started REALLY shaking. Upon further investigation, only the will of the FSM kept it on, and I had lost 3 bolts, and 4 nuts. meaning that there was only a loose fixture holding my car in a singular safe piece.

So to recap. In the last week I have lost my job, my house, and my car. Woot for me